Settling In

My first few agonising weeks as a Retail Security Officer are now a distant memory and I can't believe that I am still earning a living standing menacingly in a shop, some 16 eventful months down the line. There have been many unpleasant incidents, and numerous lively moments of outrageous lunacy that lead me to question the benefits of such a strange job, but recession or not, those damned bills still have to be paid.

I suppose like most proper jobs, it can be almost tolerable on occasions, and when things are going smoothly it can be quite a rewarding experience. Nothing is better than having some intelligent repartee with a wily old literate who speaks in metaphors and listens intently, with his eyes wide open, analysing your every word. There are a number of such worthy conversationalists that seek me out when visiting the store and believe me, at times I am so glad of their company. Being non-confrontational by nature, looking for trouble (Yes, that's what I do) is not my strongest natural instinct and by swapping anecdotes with an amiable, honest wit it makes each potentially incident filled day a fraction more bearable.

The major problem in the early days concerned the staff, or more precisely most of the non Irish staff's misunderstanding of the role of a Retail Security Officer. In their own countries it may be deemed acceptable to manhandle, search on suspicion or chase down the road after possible offenders and by using force, reclaim any goods thought to have been stolen. Our little corner of the civilised world thankfully prohibits the use of such archaic behaviour. Unless I have actually witnessed the thief taking an item and am 100% certain it is still in their possession on leaving the store, there is little or nothing that I can do!

Drunks, or the local alcohol dependant fraternity as I prefer to call them, were the cause of many unpleasant confrontations (and occasionally still are!) during my naive baptism into retail security. A valuable lesson on day one taught me how to gain the respect of and thus pacify an aggressive, pitiful 'wino' simply by asking his name. Most of these problematic alcoholics have good reason to fear authority and being confronted by a uniformed officer (me!) can often trigger a hostile reaction.

The majority of these untasteful, aggresive encounters follow an all too familiar pattern:

1. The drunk
2. Me
3. Mild swearing
4. The bottle/bottles
5. Swearing and cursing
6. Relieving drunk of bottle/bottles
7. More swearing, cursing and possible death threat
8.Respect given
9. Respect gained
10. Problem solved until he staggers in again tomorrow

In extreme cases, and only when the above method has failed to effect his departure will I attempt physically, to bundle him out of the store.

Being thrown in at the deep end was for me the ideal introduction to the job as I ad-libbed my way tentatively through the first couple of months.

Alternative Shop Workers/Lifters Thesaurus

Since becoming a renowned authority in the heady world of Retail Security, my efforts have centered around the search for a universal interpretation of the many complicated terms and associated insider jargon. In my recently over-subscribed seminars I really took the lid off and offended many of my peers ...Tough!

That said, I am sure you will be enlightened and maybe amused by some of the honest descriptions below.

A

Alcohol - Legal hallucination inducing drug offered in the form of an over-priced, foul tasting mixture of death-inducing chemicals. It is usually attractively packaged in a practical can or bottle and is much sought after by mindless, drunken oafs and impressionable underage drinkers alike. This addictive beverage offers solace, inebriation and an opportunity to behave in a spectacularly intimidating anti-social fashion.

Auditor - Inept social outcast who, despite having filthy rich parents and umpteen degrees still can't find a proper job.

B

Backpacker -Has been known to walk 600 miles in a snowstorm, wearing sandals and a silly grin, just to buy a pot noodle. An ally of the student and possessing many similar traits, this is an often ridiculed greasy haired, frugal, new-age degenerate wearing more skins than an onion. Usually spotted carrying it's worldly possessions in a huge over-filled, badge infested rucksack.

Bar Code - Product identifying system service (PISS) responsible for that annoying electronic 'bleep' each time an item is scanned at the till. Unfortunately this is usually not a sound familiar to family members and friends of the cashier.

Blind Spot - Susceptible area hidden from general view and not covered by CCTV. This is a favourite haunt of the discerning shoplifter, enabling them to hone their artful thieving skills with minimum risk of capture.
Also taken advantage of by work-shy staff seeking refuge from the rigours of their hectic, demanding schedule .... and the manager.

Brand awareness - Despite the vast sums of money squandered on a myriad of pathetic misleading untruths called advertising, rubbish is still rubbish. Most people are already aware of the brand, and having been suckered once, they know how useless the product really is.

Break even point - An imaginary situation whereby the profit made on goods sold exceeds the loss suffered by shoplifting, wastage and staff theft.

C

Car Park - A small area of tarmac where customers pay begrudgingly, to have a wheel clamp removed. Often the scene of much animation, drama and broken teeth.

CCTV - A Veritable birds nest of faulty and incompetent wiring, some of which connect the out of focus cameras to a broken, poorly designed monitoring system. Of little, or no use use in the capture of shoplifters due to the fuzzy images, but the detailed footage of spiders, moths and bug-eyed critters crawling across the lenses puts the Wildlife Channel to shame.

Checkouts - This is a busy area where customers are encouraged to pay for their goods before leaving the store. N.B Does not apply to shoplifters.

Children - Small, obnoxious ill-mannered offspring of self centered, so called adults who lack even the most basic of parenting skills.

Closing Time - A welcome opportunity for me to practice various new methods of kicking unwelcome, time wasting, customers out of the store.

Customers - Annoying collection of pathetic, shameless, dishonest cheapskates looking for, or looking to steal a bargain. Also a member of an irritating group of mindless morons that decide, at a time when the store is closing, to begin their weekly shop/shoplift. See above.

Customer Service - Increasingly elusive department consisting of one over-worked person ( usually the manager ) and a large dog-eared book of well used excuses.

D

Delivery - Truck load of badly sourced, sub-standard consumer goods dumped in the warehouse, before being thrown into a skip and incinerated.

District Manager - Inexperienced, faceless graduate employed on a huge salary to drive around aimlessly in a luxury car, on occasions visiting a happy store and making it unhappy. Renowned for turning up unexpectedly to cause unrest, pick trivial faults and thus humiliate the hapless staff.

E

Exchange - Perfect goods that the shameless buyer has used, worn out or become weary of and has, claiming it was faulty, decided to swap for a new one.
Also a brief moment of eye contact with a potential shoplifter that tells me they are up to no good.

F

Frozen foods -Any item of grocery not wanted by the customer and skillfully tossed into a freezer, rendering it useless.

Fruit and Veg - Thoughtfully positioned, well stocked section offering the health conscious thief an opportunity to maintain a well balanced, nutritious 'Five a Day' diet.

G

Garda - Well meaning motley bunch of juvenile uniformed/uninformed officers, who possess an annoying habit of always turning up just after the miscreants have fled.

H

Handbag - Fashionable, attractively designed shoplifting aid.

Holdall - Unfashionable, cumbersome but more spacious shoplifting aid.

I

Inventory - This process involves an accurate, concise and regular count of any stock which is yet to be mislaid, stolen or thrown in skip.

J

Juices - An increasingly wide selection of vitamin rich, life prolonging fruit drinks that some customers are more than willing to drink but less than willing to pay for.

K

Killing Time - This is a subliminal mental process perfected by odd people like myself who choose, for monetary gain, to stand (or walk) for long periods in a busy retail environment waiting to go home. Key elements include, endless hours of day-dreaming, staring vacantly out of the window, and playing hide and seek with cantankerous, half witted customers seen heading in my direction.

L

Loss Leader - Merchandise sold at below cost price in a futile attempt to attract new customers or stimulate other profitable sales. In reality it attracts bulk purchasers, traders and similar greed driven chancers, who are not regular customers and profit greatly never to be seen again.

M

Manager - Tired looking individual possessing the ability to perform most functions admirably despite having had no, or very little sleep for the last six weeks. Often a sitting duck shot up the backside by an over ambitious under skilled District Manager, he willingly takes the flak and quickly develops a skin thicker than two rhinos.

N

Newspapers/Magazines - Why go to the expense of buying when you can get the latest news for free, simply by picking up you favourite publication and reading it as you shop/shoplift. Remembering of course to discard it thoughtlessly on the floor in a crumpled, unsellable condition before you leave without paying.

O

Operating expenses - The sum of all expenses associated with the normal course of running a business. For the shoplifter this could, for example, be the cost of a spacious new holdall or multi-pocketed anorak, tax deductible of course.

P

Prams/Pushchairs - Another shoplifting aid, these innocuous looking baby transporting buggies are perfectly designed for the light fingered, untrustworthy parent. Using/abusing their precious new bundle of joy to their own immoral, thieving ends must make them so proud.


Profit margin - A fictitious ratio of profitability, calculated as earnings divided by revenues. It should measure how much out of every Euro of sales a retail business actually keeps in earnings. In reality most of the goods have been stolen or misplaced making this a worthless calculation.

Q

Quantity discount - Some reputable establishment offers a meaningful discount on bulk purchases, most however are unreputable and do not.

Queries - An endless barrage of pathetic, nonsensical, incoherent drivel spouted by pathetic, nonsensical, incoherent customers who, because they are stupid, have usually staggered into the wrong shop anyway.

R

Refund - Cash sum demanded by a perplexed fool. (See Returns).

Retail Security Officer (Me). A smartly dressed, good looking, debonair uniformed hunk, oozing charm and often mistaken for a famous heart-throb, male model or 'Boy Band' member. His job entails being an authoritative figure in a prominent position, attempting to deter potential shoplifters and subdue their natural thieving instincts at least, until they leave the store.
In reality the hapless officer, due to the lack of staff, spends his day being quizzed by chaotic hordes of bewildered customers, thereby giving the accomplished, opportunist thief an easy task.

Returns - Malfunctional goods usually 'Specials' bought for no apparent reason by dysfunctional customers who, on regaining a conscious state, hastily return them for a refund.

S

Shoplifter - Any pitiful member of an accumulation of inadequate degenerates who believe that stealing, or even trying to steal is acceptable, normal behaviour. Can be classified into three distinct groups. Those who have been caught, those who soon will be caught and those so high on drugs that, if they were to be caught wouldn't even realise it.

Specials - This is a curious array of brightly coloured defective junk placed in a prominent position and designed solely to relieve the curious, inexperienced shopper of their cash.
See Returns.

Staff - A usually well mannered, abuse tolerating collection of indigenous and immigrant workers, brought together by the mutual, financial necessity of needing a job.
Also a stout wooden pole wielded menacingly by the District Manager.

Stock Take - A headache inducing, necessary evil often undertaken at night, in which the staff unluckily involved would rather be doing something useful. Similar to inventory but even more boring.

Students - Large ignorant children with little common sense or knowledge. Often seen hovering vacantly, blocking the aisles in twittering indecisive flocks, and pondering over life's greatest questions, ie;
'How many pot noodles can we get for three Euros?' or 'Where's the vegetarian section?' ...... yawn yawn.

Sweets and Chocolate - Handily placed on the first aisle, this section allows the weary shoplifter a perfect chance to steal a snack, thus boosting their ailing sugar levels before the arduous task ahead.

T

Trolley - Large uncontrollable metal basket with stubborn wheels, usually found causing an eyesore in nearby canals and streams.

U

Under-Cutting - An age old principal in which many retailers offer cheap, inferior unmovable stock at a fractionally lower price than their major rivals, who coincidentally are doing exactly the same.

V

Visual merchandising - This is usually the art of implementing ineffective shoddy design ideas to decrease store traffic thereby lowering sales volume.

W

Warehouse - A cluttered area located at the rear of the store, crammed full with mountainous pallets of returned goods and unsaleable garbage. Mainly used as a place to hide from awkward, unintelligent customers and District Managers.

X

Xenophobe - People who are fearful and sometimes contemptuous towards other customers and members of staff that portray tendencies leaning towards a foreign persuasion. Most of these vile creatures are foreigners themselves anyway, making them hypocritical, foreign racists.

Y

Yob - Loud, track suited, hoodie-wearing anti-socialite with few likable traits and even fewer brain cells. A bully by nature he hasn't got the guts to stand up as an individual, preferring instead to cower facelessly in a pathetic gang, hoping he won't be identified whilst running cowardly out of the shop.

Z

Zombie - A term often used to describe a spectacularly stupid customer lacking certain human-like attributes that we all take for granted.

This list is being constantly updated, please make any (sensible) suggestions or comments that you may have.

Pity the Poor Children

In my opinion every shoplifting scum-bag is a pulsating boil on the scrotum of humanity, scratching the infected area only makes it fester and eventually out oozes the puss that is the serial offender. Sadly many of these sick, immoral degenerates involve gullible children in their thievery, using and abusing them to their own devious ends.

I have been involved in an increasing number of incidents in which these low-life, undeserving so called parents have purposefully used innocent youngsters to assist in their corrupt activities. Some of these are serious criminals who have no conscience, or simply don't care about the consequences of subjecting their children to a life of crime. From an early age they are programmed to resent the law and all it stands for, groomed by shit for brains parents that should be irreversibly sterilised.

Returning from my lunch break one day I was alerted by a staff member. Apparently an African woman, aided of her four young children had left in a hurry through the 'entry' door with no intention of paying for the trolley full of goods in her possession.
Close examination of the CCTV footage showed exactly what had happened and the result was alarming.

Over a period of some twenty minutes, two women had used their five kids ranging from two to six years old to push out no less than three trollies of shopping. The two nice ladies stood at the store entrance, keeping the door and automatic security barrier open for their children to escape with the booty. A couple of minutes later, probably while their parents were loading a vehicle, the youngsters returned. One of them activated the door and barrier whilst the other four could be seen fleeing the store, each with an armful of toys and games etc.
The estimated value of goods stolen on this occasion was between five and six hundred euros.

These people are not 'Chancers' pilfering a few items on the spur of the moment, they work in an organised fashion to carry out pre-meditated acts of theft. No doubt when caught out they will think nothing of laying the blame on the poor, bemused, terrified little children.

Thanks to CCTV we had a good image of one of the women involved, and sure enough she visited the store again shortly after the evil deed. The shop manager and myself followed her outside and confronted her, making it plain that she was no longer welcome in the store.
"You are all racists" she yelled, waving her arms and spitting on the floor, trying to create a scene in the crowded car park. Racists my arse I thought as threatened to call the Garda and calling her bluff took out my phone and started to dial. This had the desired effect, still cursing and spitting, the child abusing scum bag jumped into her shiny new car and fled, never to be seen again!

What the hell kind of a future beckons these unfortunate children, when incidents like the one above become the norm?

Shopping it's a No-Brainer!

Do some people leave their brains at home when they go shopping?
Do some people actually have any brains?
Why do all the idiots shop here?
What am I doing here?

These are all questions I ask myself on regular basis.

Due to cut-backs and staff that just can't be bothered there are long periods each day when I am the only person on the shop floor, this makes me an easy target for the angry or confused customer.
"Where are the noodles?" "Have you any Geraniums?" "I can't find the aubergines" " Will you carry these ladders to my car?" "Can I use the toilets?" "How does this camera work?" "Is this gluten free?" "Have you got it in blue?" .................blah blah blah di blah, an endless barrage of pathetic drivvle comes my way. Usually I grit my teeth and in a polite, begrudging sort of way manage to answer most of the inane requests.

Sometimes however, depending on the degree of the customers stupidity I may be reduced to a giggling wreck and all protocol is lost, some of my favourite examples include:

"Will this printer work on my computer?"
"Has it got windows installed"
"No it's only a small one!"

"Have you got fat balls?"

"What made you leave Scotland?"

"Will this lawnmower cut my grass?"

"Will that table fit in my car?"
"What model is it?"
"It's got a glass top and four pine legs"
"No I meant the car"
"It's blue" she said!!

"These ice cubes, what are they made from?"

"Will this bodywarmer fit my husband?"
"Lets get him to try it on, Where is he?"
"He's in Greece with his brother"

"Have you got an orgasmic section" ( organic I later found out! )

"Do you sell bread?"

"What part of Birmingham do you come from?"

These are genuine questions that customers have asked me in the store, why do I attract all the 'Dickheads?' I think need a holiday any ideas?

First Day Blues

So there I was on the very first day of my new career, standing as per instructions, watching the good citizens of Galway ( well some of them! ) going about their daily chores. My brief was to concentrate on the high value 'Specials' and alcohol sections both of which receive plenty of attention from the ne'er-do-well shoplifting fraternity.
Unfortunately for me, the two said sections are located at opposing ends of the store, meaning that I would have to walk regularly and briskly between the two to deter any potential wrongdoers. Being a competent and quite accomplished walker myself this was not a major problem and after the few first tentative steps I found myself striding purposefully to all corners of the store.

A quick glance at my watch told me I had been a Retail Security officer for almost 19 minutes and I was already as fed up as golfer with no balls, only another 9hrs 41minutes to go I thought, standing menacingly on the 'Specials' aisle.

"Have you got these in a size 7" enquired a pink haired elderly lady, thrusting a pair of similarly coloured slippers right into my face. "I know your only security" she said in a patronising tone "but I am a martyr to my corns, the doctor said only last week ........."
Cutting off the old dear mid sentence I suggested that she find a member of staff to sort her out and quickly employed my new found walking skills to check up on the 'alcohol' section.

Half way between the milk and the toilet rolls I was accosted by an irate Lithuanian backpacker who wanted to exchange a defective two man tent for 3 pairs of ergonomically designed trekking socks. After explaining that I was only security and advising him to ask a staff member ( in fluent Lithuanian of course! ) I bade my farewell.

The new licensing laws in Ireland prohibit the sale of alcohol until 10:30 am and it was approximately 10:27 am when I assumed a prominent position at the end of the aisle.
"Marning Offisher" said a dishevelled looking, red faced guy wearing scuffed trainers and a well soiled 1970's shell suit top. He struggled to pick up 2 bottles of cheap fortified wine and lurched his way unsteadily towards the crowded checkout area, where he forced himself to the front of an astonished queue.
Anya, a sturdy looking Polish girl with an inviting cleavage and very little English was on the till, she took one look at the swaying 'wino' and seeking assistance ( from me! ) pressed the alarm button.
My initial reaction, being a coward, was to walk swiftly in the opposite direction and hide somewhere until he left. Obviously this was not an option so I took a deep breath and fearing the worst, confronted the drunken oaf, demanding that he leave the store immediately. I ushered him towards the exit, explaining that perhaps he'd already had enough to drink, also and more importantly that the girl on the till could lose her job by selling him alcohol in his inebriated state. Somehow I got the impression he wasn't listening to a word I said!

"Pish off ya Shcottish bashterd" he shouted, "I'm Irish, carnt a man ave a drrink in ish own country, I'm not goin anywhere till I've got mi drrink"
Never having been in this situation before I was flummoxed, I couldn't physically pick him up and throw him out and he was less than willing to be 'talked down'. Stuck for words I decided to ask his name.
"Oi be Padraig from old Shligo town" he answered " and shoo might you be?"
"Chris from West Yorkshire" I said proudly, offering him my hand. To my amazement he shook it firmly, "Nyche talkin to you Crish shee you aroind" he said giving me the thumbs up as he staggered happily out of the store, respect given.

Thankfuly the alarm stayed silent for the remainder of my first day in 'Paradise' and I lived to tell the tale! Drunken incidents like the one portrayed are a daily occurrence in my job and thankfully I learned a vital lesson on day one.

Shaming the Offenders

In the store where I do my retail security stuff they have a major problem with eaters and drinkers. A high percentage of the so called customers are low life scum who think nothing of helping themselves to a free meal whilst doing their weekly shop/shoplift.
Most decent stores operate a 'no eating or drinking' policy, sadly mine doesn't and that at times makes my job difficult to say the least!

Countless times each week I see some unscrupulous thieving bastard stuffing their arrogant face with cake, chocolate, fruit etc and then washing it down with a bottle of coke or a smoothie. When it comes to paying for these items at the till the empty packaging has more often than not magically disappeared.

I try to adopt a strategy of humiliation wherever possible, by confronting them at the checkouts in full view of other customers. Firstly by creating a scene it shames the offending 'Dickhead' into admitting their guilt. Secondly and more importantly it shows the pathetic shyster who's the boss, ie me!!

I make them pay for the items they have eaten/drunk and then ask them to go back and replace the rest of their shopping back onto the shelves ...... it works every time!!

Students - surely they can't all be Dickheads!

Being an expert right at the cutting edge of retail security has it's highs and lows. The majority of the people I have dealings with are as high as a kite, or of unusually low intelligence. Many of these are ill fated losers, cast adrift from an unforgiving, dog eat dog contemporary society, that has very little time for sympathy or sentiment.
Circumstance has often dealt them an appalling hand and they are trying blindly, each in their own futile, misguided way, to play the right cards in a monumental effort to get through each agonising day.

Some of these impoverished, wretched 'Dickheads' deserve a second chance, but one irritating group of spoilt, selfish, annoyingly unwise and socially inept toe-rags certainly do not!

THE STUDENT ( Spotticus vacuous ) fits perfectly into this repulsive little niche. Don't be fooled by the fully developed body or the ability to hold an occasional meaningful conversation, they are evil, scheming parasites that will, given the chance, suck you dry both emotionally and financially!

Recently many of these these obnoxious over-sized babies discarded their soiled pampers and engaged in an alcohol fuelled 'Dickhead' Fest known as 'Rag Week'. God only knows what goes on in their tiny, inconsiderate, juvenile minds, perhaps it's something like this:

Lets all get completely arseholed and entertain ourselves by acting in a repugnant, disgusting anti-social manner that greatly offends the good folk who have paid for our education. Getting totally pissed makes it 'ok' to flout the law by committing acts of gross stupidity and wanton vandalism, with absolutely no thought as to the consequences. We are far too selfish to give a tinkers toss about other people because we are 'Cool' and having fun. Don't worry about the broken bottles, empty cans and stinking piles of garbage we have thoughtlessly left behind, someone else will clean it up.

Need I say any more?

Students please read the following short message:

Respect ..... it's only a small word but try looking it up in the dictionary ( somewhere between rectum and revulsion ). True it may at first seem an alien concept, until you put it into practice and begin to realise that without it you are complete 'Dickheads'!!