Shopping it's a No-Brainer!

Do some people leave their brains at home when they go shopping?
Do some people actually have any brains?
Why do all the idiots shop here?
What am I doing here?

These are all questions I ask myself on regular basis.

Due to cut-backs and staff that just can't be bothered there are long periods each day when I am the only person on the shop floor, this makes me an easy target for the angry or confused customer.
"Where are the noodles?" "Have you any Geraniums?" "I can't find the aubergines" " Will you carry these ladders to my car?" "Can I use the toilets?" "How does this camera work?" "Is this gluten free?" "Have you got it in blue?" .................blah blah blah di blah, an endless barrage of pathetic drivvle comes my way. Usually I grit my teeth and in a polite, begrudging sort of way manage to answer most of the inane requests.

Sometimes however, depending on the degree of the customers stupidity I may be reduced to a giggling wreck and all protocol is lost, some of my favourite examples include:

"Will this printer work on my computer?"
"Has it got windows installed"
"No it's only a small one!"

"Have you got fat balls?"

"What made you leave Scotland?"

"Will this lawnmower cut my grass?"

"Will that table fit in my car?"
"What model is it?"
"It's got a glass top and four pine legs"
"No I meant the car"
"It's blue" she said!!

"These ice cubes, what are they made from?"

"Will this bodywarmer fit my husband?"
"Lets get him to try it on, Where is he?"
"He's in Greece with his brother"

"Have you got an orgasmic section" ( organic I later found out! )

"Do you sell bread?"

"What part of Birmingham do you come from?"

These are genuine questions that customers have asked me in the store, why do I attract all the 'Dickheads?' I think need a holiday any ideas?