The Common Dickhead

Not to be confused with the 'Knobhead', the 'Common Dickhead' (arseholis vulgaris) can be a vile, dysfunctional, pathetic individual. The ability to irritate and wind-up unsuspecting victims, usually YOU, makes them about as popular as a floater in the bog - they keep popping up when you think they're gone!

The 'Common Dickhead' usually falls into one of these three categories:

Eye's Up.

As the name implies this 'Dickhead' wanders around aimlessly, staring at the sky, occasionally pausing briefly to annoy a passer by. Not being a pure 'Dickhead' 'Eyes Up' often imitates his more illustrious peers by mumbling incoherently in words of less than two syllable's, ie "ugh", "naff", "piss" etc.

Luckily this 'Dickhead' possesses no reasoning powers whatsoever and can be disarmed quite easily. Simple questions such as "Why are you so stupid?" or "Would you like a smack in the mouth?"will stupify the hapless buffoon into a near traumatic state. Take action immediately as the 'Dickhead' struggles for a response, a basic kick to the groin area should suffice, gaining you vital seconds to make good your escape!

Eye's Down.

In accordance to statutory and local bye-laws any 'Dickhead' with a tendency (pre-meditated or otherwise) to wilfully carry their head in a downward facing manner shall hitherto be described as Eye's Down.

He displays similar obnoxious traits to Eye's Up but beware, this Dickhead is not to be underestimated! In the time it takes to say "gnargh fuchh orffe" he's singled you out for unwanted attention!
Having no sense of direction this 'Dickhead' head down, lurching from one victim to another can be quite troublesome unless you are well prepared. A well aimed thrust with a cattle prod is the tried and tested antidote to this 'Dickhead', however, recently conducted trials have suggested the Taser Gun as being a more effective remedy!


The Chicken

Please don't mess with the 'Chicken'!! he is a true 'Dickhead'. His acts of random stupidity know no bounds and will, given the chance, test your patience to it's very limits.
Often the 'Chicken' will hover in a queue brooding, looking for an opportunity to completely spoil your day. Bus Stations, KFC, ATM machines and Lidl are among his preferred haunts but this sly cantankerous bastard can ply his sickening trade almost anywhere.

Look closely for 'Chicken'-like attibutes such as: shoulders slumped, involuntary random head movements ( an obvious one that! ) and the ability to shit himself at will.

At the time of writing, unfortunately, the 'Chicken' still rules the roost ( sorry about the pun ). Any misguided, futile attempt to 'see him off' will only suffice to pile on the misery and bewilderment.